Not alone but still lonely.

Its funny how I can be surrounded by people at a party, but still be sitting by myself.  I know I do this to myself.

Dear Crush

Dear Crush,

There was no real good way to talk to you that evening. Not at that venue, not with that crowd, not at that event. Maybe we'll see each other again, and I can talk to you then. But more than likely you'll aways be the mutual friend on Facebook I never contact, because even though the connection distance is short, the reason is far too tenuous.

Anyway, I like the way you tied your hair that day. And I love your cheekbones and tattoos.

Mike

My wishlist

1. Smart
2. Tattooed
3. Hipper than I could ever hope to be.
4. Strong jaw line
5. Able to stare laser beams through me
6. Inspires me to be a hunter/gatherer.
7. Makes me want to be mature
8. Petite
9. Sarcastic
10. Someone for whom I would cross oceans, or kill men for.  Ok, kidding, sort of.

Life Assessment Time

I'll be 35 soon. Which actually, now that I think about it, is kind of scary. I'm not sure why its scary per se, it just is. I don't feel like I've missed out on something, I'm happy where I am. I wonder if I feel like I should have done something more by now? Or have I just been ok...existing? i can't think of any regrets off the top of my head. Which isn't to say I haven't made any mistakes I'd like do overs on, but nothing I truly regret. Anyway, lets figure out what's going on here.

Work:

I am kind of dissatisfied with work. Things aren't going the way I want them too. I wonder if this is because the corporate structure has changed here. I think that's a big part of it. I'm looking for other opportunities, and but part of me just thinks I need to wait until things kind of smooth out over here, and I'll be where I want to be shortly. But, better to look for a job, whilst you have a job.

Health:

This is always an up and down for me. I definitely feel like I might be too old to do certain things anymore. Like fight. So, maybe this year, I look for more activites that invovled getting punched, kicked or choked so much.

Dating:

I really hate this part of my life. I just do. Its always a pain. Or causes pain. Just pain? Let's just say this is sometihng I can't make up my mind on and in many ways, I still feel like a stupid 13 year old.

Insomnia

So, I'm still awake. Which is not so annoying. I did take a lap earlier tonight, which is cool. I just know I will be needed some assistance from Mr. Caffeine later today. But, I'm sure going to MMA will get my motor running, and then I can collapse afterwards.

I had been thinking about what I wrote earlier about loving the idea of a girl instead of the girl herself.

I dunno how much more I can expound on that. I guess since I'm a month away from being 35, it is something I do think about a bit. I guess I can either do something about it or just let it go.

Guess I should do something about it.

How annoying.

Great ideas. Bad execution.

So, I've come to the realization that I love the idea of the women, but might not love the woman herself.  The realities of who that woman is, and who I am, often clash badly.

Example:

To me, the idea of a tattooed, video game loving, liberal, intelligent  Korean woman is the ultimate.  That is my ideal.  However, there are so many issues with that.  Namely, where do I even meet a girl like that?  And one an age that I can appropriately date?

Second, I'm a pretty square guy.  Not too creative, work a corporate job, not really knowledgeable about what's cool.  In fact, I'm essentially a bro without the ignorance or Affliction shirt.  I love football, learning how to fight people, red meat and Jackass.  If I'm anything, its closet emo.

This is why I'll be single.  I love what I can't have.

It's D&D!

So, I played Dungeons and Dragons for the first time since, I think puberty.

It was nice, not near as nerdy as I expected and not full of people who smelled like cheese and sweat. There were alot of hipsters, well at least at my table. I don't know that they were hipsters, but they certainly looked the part.

Tired and too much work today, I'll update more tonight.

But, I play a paladin, named Sasha the Grey.