Not alone but still lonely.

Its funny how I can be surrounded by people at a party, but still be sitting by myself.  I know I do this to myself.

Dear Crush

Dear Crush,

There was no real good way to talk to you that evening. Not at that venue, not with that crowd, not at that event. Maybe we'll see each other again, and I can talk to you then. But more than likely you'll aways be the mutual friend on Facebook I never contact, because even though the connection distance is short, the reason is far too tenuous.

Anyway, I like the way you tied your hair that day. And I love your cheekbones and tattoos.

Mike

My wishlist

1. Smart
2. Tattooed
3. Hipper than I could ever hope to be.
4. Strong jaw line
5. Able to stare laser beams through me
6. Inspires me to be a hunter/gatherer.
7. Makes me want to be mature
8. Petite
9. Sarcastic
10. Someone for whom I would cross oceans, or kill men for.  Ok, kidding, sort of.

Life Assessment Time

I'll be 35 soon. Which actually, now that I think about it, is kind of scary. I'm not sure why its scary per se, it just is. I don't feel like I've missed out on something, I'm happy where I am. I wonder if I feel like I should have done something more by now? Or have I just been ok...existing? i can't think of any regrets off the top of my head. Which isn't to say I haven't made any mistakes I'd like do overs on, but nothing I truly regret. Anyway, lets figure out what's going on here.

Work:

I am kind of dissatisfied with work. Things aren't going the way I want them too. I wonder if this is because the corporate structure has changed here. I think that's a big part of it. I'm looking for other opportunities, and but part of me just thinks I need to wait until things kind of smooth out over here, and I'll be where I want to be shortly. But, better to look for a job, whilst you have a job.

Health:

This is always an up and down for me. I definitely feel like I might be too old to do certain things anymore. Like fight. So, maybe this year, I look for more activites that invovled getting punched, kicked or choked so much.

Dating:

I really hate this part of my life. I just do. Its always a pain. Or causes pain. Just pain? Let's just say this is sometihng I can't make up my mind on and in many ways, I still feel like a stupid 13 year old.

Insomnia

So, I'm still awake. Which is not so annoying. I did take a lap earlier tonight, which is cool. I just know I will be needed some assistance from Mr. Caffeine later today. But, I'm sure going to MMA will get my motor running, and then I can collapse afterwards.

I had been thinking about what I wrote earlier about loving the idea of a girl instead of the girl herself.

I dunno how much more I can expound on that. I guess since I'm a month away from being 35, it is something I do think about a bit. I guess I can either do something about it or just let it go.

Guess I should do something about it.

How annoying.

Great ideas. Bad execution.

So, I've come to the realization that I love the idea of the women, but might not love the woman herself.  The realities of who that woman is, and who I am, often clash badly.

Example:

To me, the idea of a tattooed, video game loving, liberal, intelligent  Korean woman is the ultimate.  That is my ideal.  However, there are so many issues with that.  Namely, where do I even meet a girl like that?  And one an age that I can appropriately date?

Second, I'm a pretty square guy.  Not too creative, work a corporate job, not really knowledgeable about what's cool.  In fact, I'm essentially a bro without the ignorance or Affliction shirt.  I love football, learning how to fight people, red meat and Jackass.  If I'm anything, its closet emo.

This is why I'll be single.  I love what I can't have.

It's D&D!

So, I played Dungeons and Dragons for the first time since, I think puberty.

It was nice, not near as nerdy as I expected and not full of people who smelled like cheese and sweat. There were alot of hipsters, well at least at my table. I don't know that they were hipsters, but they certainly looked the part.

Tired and too much work today, I'll update more tonight.

But, I play a paladin, named Sasha the Grey.

Oh jiujitsu.

I had serious qualms about choking this lady out. I weighed a hundred pounds more, and she was my mother's age.  It felt awkward and horrible to squeeze her until she couldn't breathe or maintain consciousness.

She, however felt no guilt in doing the same to me.

Jiujitsu isn't about size or strength, its about leverage.  And a woman pushing 60, can tap out a 250 lbs man easily.  As I can attest to.  Yes, an AARP member gave me these Chris Brown choke marks on my neck.

Android blog!

So, time to see how this will work.  All blogging done from the phone.  Kinda weird, but it may work super.  We'll see

Been a bit.

So it has been a while since I updated. My laptop died, so, no real way to update. But I'll be rectifying the situation soon. Well, as soon as my compnay decides to give me my bonus check.

Nothing has really changed in my life. Weird, huh?

I have a lot of damn opinions though, and when i can, I'll start blogging again.

Yes, Tim Duncan and a Beluga whale.

Breaking up with the parents.

I want to break up with my parents.

"Its not you, its me."

I am a wretched son. And I know this. Which is why I think it would be better for my parents if I broke up with them. I don't think they should spend their twilight years worrying about me. Seems like an incredible waste of time.

No, I am not suicidal. Far from it. I still have alot of life to lead, and I look forward to it.

I just think my folks would be better off with out me.

Hairstyles.

So, as of late, I've been shaving my head weekly. I haven't been shaving it smooth, but I've been buzzing it with a clipper. No guard.

Now, I admit, as the Chicago winter enters full swing, this is not the best haircut to have. The wind is my enemy, and a couple times I have wondered if my ears were going to fall off. Granted, this could be easily alleviated by a hat or ear muffs, however, I think I've adequately demonstrated that I am not that smart.

I'm not sure what I like so much about having a shaved head. I'll be honest, I'm sure it has to do with the face that having less hair makes my face look skinnier. Or maybe I enjoy looking like Uncle Fester while harboring delusion that maybe I look like a younger Korean Bruce Willis. Or, I am secretly self concious about the amount of white hair I have.

Anyway, its been much easier to not have hair. But Yoojin, I promise to have some hair at your wedding.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.

Its funny how I'm more athletic now than I was when I was younger. Wait, let me rephrase, I have a greater desire to be more athletic now than when I was younger. I'm not sure why. I've always been a lazy person, maybe because its even a minimal level of athleticism is harder now then when I was 20.

However, I am well aware that I can't undertake some of the same activities I did when I was younger. Taekwondo, is pretty much out for me. I just can't see myself getting that flexibility and speed back anymore. So what do I do?

I'm definitely going to get back into biking. Although, certain siutations are preventing me from getting the bike I want temporarily. I hope this gets resolved before the weather gets warm.

But I'm wondering if my mom was right about me not fighting anymore. Not street, but MMA. It is pretty hard on my body, which feels like its breaking down all the time. Right now I'm on a break as I rehab my ankles and just get back into shape from not being able to do anything for about 2 1/2 months. So its going to be a slow porcess for me to get back into it. But I'm looking forward to it.

Its much easier, and enjoyable to get back into shape than maintain it. So we'll see how things go.

The slippery slope of K-pop.

So, I bought a K-Pop album. I'm trying to remember the last time this happened. I think it was 1996 and I bought Kim Gun Mo 4. Or, I might have bought some CD for the 2002 World Cup. Either way, its been a while. Now, I have some Korean punk and Korean hip-hop albums, but its not really the same thing since those artists aren't mainstream.

I have this love/hate relationship with K-Pop. Mainly because listneing to K-Pop, leads to watching K-dramas, and it will cause me to crave a relationship with some Korean community that I know I will regret in the end. I am honestly quite satisfied as it is my relationship with the Korean community being limited to "That's the place I go to get food. And maybe a date."

But damnit, the song is catchy.

I heart boobs.

I love boobs.

That's all.

Yes, there is the temptation to put up a gratuitous image, or wax longwindered and psuedo-poetically about breasts. Nope.

I just love them.

That is all.

Grey. Gray? Yay! No? Meh.

Lately the days are like an unfullfilling kiss.

Its not the kiss you give your wife, or gf. Or does it generate the anticipation of that first kiss. Or even the urgency of a drunken kiss based on passion.

It feels like a kiss bereft of any passion, or even loathing. It emobies what the true physical basis of what a kiss is. 2 fleshy body parts squishing together.

It is the regretful kiss. The one you make and you know, nothing is there. Not even the desire for physical fulfillment.

Everything moves around me, at a far greater speed. Feels like I'm moving very slow. I am arrhytmic to this city.

Slow Machines - The Gold Medalists from bernard badion on Vimeo.

Intramurals, Brother!

Its funny how a college football coach could do a Hulk Hogan impersonation, and I was filled with optimism and hope for my alma mater's football time. This was 3 years ago.

But for the last 3 years, I have watched my beloved alma mater flounder on the gridiron. And as we are on the cusp of starting a new era at the University of Colorado, with the Pac 12 next year. I am relieved they relieved Coach Hawkins of his duties.

When The Cold Wind Blows.

Its starting to get cold here. I'm not the biggest fan of how Chicago doesn't seem to have much of a fall. On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure if Denver had much of a fall. Actually, I struggle to remember alot of Denver. I'm not sure if this is due to advancing age, or because its been....several years since I've been back.

I'm not entirely sure why I haven't been back. I think I have had several opportunities to do so. I'm just not that good about visiting my parents or my friends.

This leads me to the conclusion that given my reticence to move, that I'll end up living the rest of my life in Chicago. I don't really have an issue with this with a couple of caveats:

1. The winters here do suck. They suck so much, I don't know how to express it. Never in my whole life have I been afraid of walking around a corner because of whatever unGodly, sub-Arctic wind will blow into me. Colorado winters are very casual and mild compared to Chicago. When I moved here for the first time, I actually looked into military grade cold weather gear. And yes, I bought it, and thank goodness I did.

2. My child(ren) will be Chicago sports fans. With the exception of the Bulls and Blackhawks, I hate the other Chicago teams. In general I simply dislike the Chicago sports fan. However, I cannot impress my own fandom on my kids. I will take them to Cubs games and Bears games, and the like. However, for as long as they live under my roof, they will be getting items of Denver and Colorado clothing.


3. I will never go snowboarding on the regular again. It's just not feasible. I suppose I'd go when I visit my friends and family in Colorado, but to Hell with midwestern snowboarding/skiing. It is horrible out here. Mind you, this is an subjective assessment, its not like people come out and rape you as you're trying to get down slope. Its just icy, the runs are literally 30 seconds long, and the vertical drop from peak to base is only 200'.

But outside of that, I'm fine living here in Chicago. Besides, my last trip out to Denver, it was overrun with douchebags, a guy threatened to sodomize me and then he tried to stab me with a broken bottle.

Right to Arm Bears

The gun lobby, and the firearms rights organizations are primarily targeted towards right-wing Americans. And for the most part, it is these right wingers who are members of these organizations and are the ones who firmly believe in their 2nd Amendment rights. Why aren't there large concentrations of liberal, left wing Americans that are firearms owners?

It seems awfully irresponsbile for liberal America to just hang around, when there are people that are antithetical to their lifestyle arming themselves. Who is liberal America going to rely on, the military and police force to protect them? Well, those two groups tend to trend conservative anyway. As much as I know that many of those people very much hold dear and honor their duty to the Constitution and the citizenry, it doesn't hurt to be unprepared.

I beleive in liberal (as in left wing, not a damn aresenal) firearm ownership, simply because there are nutjobs on the right who beleive with their whole hearts that our Muslim non-American Socialist President represents a clear and present danger to the American way of life, and they are prepared with tactics and arms to either overthrow him, or fend off the destruction of the America. I'm assuming the liberals were planning to do this by making everyone marry gay people or have abortions based on what they fear.

So as the right wing suspiciously eyes brown people, or practices their marksmanship, the rest of liberal America chuckles over web clip of the Daily Show, writes ego-inflating reviews on Yelp, because they think they are foodies, or offers non-denominational prayers to no specific deity that the Obama Administration will pull it together. This seems like an extremely bad idea.

Dear libs, get some guns.

Bad Religion

"If you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing."

This was something I posted a couple days ago as my Facebook status. Obviously, I meant it to be extremely tongue in cheek. But, in my fever crippled haze the last several days, I wondered about my relationship with God/Christ/The Church as a whole.



To be perfectly honest, my relationship with God/Christ/The Church has been going downhill that last several years. Maybe downhill isn't the best term, its more like I've been on a divergent path. I'm not switching religions or anything like that, nor am I going the absence of religion route. I just feel disconnected to God right now.

I know a lot of it started because of my last "home" church. Its not that it was a bad place, and I am eternally thankful that it is where I came to Christ. I came away from there with two of my dearest friends. However, I think it just wasn't the right place for me to grow as a Christian. And there are a lot of reasons for that. One, it was a Korean church, and that throws in a cultural/social aspect that I don't know that's necessarily good. Two, I was such the opposite of many people that went to church there.

The other major factor in my current issue with my faith is the continuing balkanization of Christians in the United States. I don't have a problem with any group asserting their political views in the system. Its what makes America great. However, it pains me to see it stray so far from what I have percieved Christianity to be when I first came to it. The most hateful, vitriolic, close-minded people I have encountered in the past 3 years, have all be Christians. How do I know this? They proclaim it loudly and vehemently. This sort of proclamation is normally a good thing, to be unashamed about one's faith. But their righteousness causes me to withdraw more from my own worship.

So where am I with the Big Guy? I dunno? Its not like we're at a detente or anything. I just feel kind of ambivalent towards the whole thing right now. I don't feel Him in my life. Maybe I'm not allowing myself to be filled, I dunno. I guess nothing to do but move on and keep the faith, I suppose.